universal mess

global warming is literally kicking our asses. i hate the fact that if the world ended tomorrow, everyone would be so upset. the irony is that they are the cause of the end. you were the cause of my end. the only difference of the two situations is, you wouldn't be upset if i was gone tomorrow. just like earth. just like the universe. you are my atmosphere. slowly you deteriorate and form a big hole in my mind, and all of a sudden i am sucked into it and gone forever. at first, you secured me. you made me feel pure, and important. gradually, you stopped caring more and more until i stopped caring about myself. tear. i let myself be taken advantage of by so many beings. rip. all i think about is my next fix, or fuck. there is a tiny hole. the more you stop caring, the larger in diameter the hole gets. it's about five by five inches now, i need one more. it's like tearing a bandaid off; just get it (us) over with. "i don't need you." there it is. you could have saved me. picked up these shattered pieces of shit that make up a miserable two decades, and help me fit them back together. you could have been my savior. save me next time.

'normality'

I hate the fact that I need to take pills to feel 'normal.' What is normal, exactly? I hate it. I've lost all sense of normality. When the pills start to kick in, I can't take it anymore. I begin to feel like I'm in some sort of zombie-like state of mind. I can't shake it out. I feel like I'm not really there. It may look like I am, but I feel like I'm in a dream where I try to run but I can't.

...

i haven't been able to become genuinely close to someone, for as long as i can remember. the thing that troubles me the most, is that i don't even know when it happened. when could it have happened? who changed me? how could they? i am scared of the fact that i am scared of someone caring for me..it doesn't seem natural. i really don't know what it feels like to be normal anymore.

those five words

I wish I were dead

anxiety, sleep, repeat

Lately, I feel like crawling out of my own skin. I’m so exhausted of the same faces and set of scenery I see everyday. I feel like my suffering is an ever-growing cycle, like I’m being set up for a tragic ending. I was made for you. Just for you, so you can use me as an experiment; how much can one person tolerate? When you see me like this, isn’t it clear that I can’t tolerate anymore? Sometimes I just feel like it’s my time. When it’s my time, it’s also yours. When I die, you die with me. What will you do once I’m gone and you have nothing to play with anymore? Will you see what you have done?

why?

I hate asking why and getting 5 messages explaining


- Crystal

meaningless

i felt like you took a piece of me with you when you left all those times. i wonder sometimes, how could a person have such control over my emotions? drug abuse, depression, i've been through shit that really could have killed me, and i'm still struggling with those problems. but it doesn't matter to you, right? i'm such a fucked up girl, you knew all i wanted was someone to care. what a manipulator you are, sir. if destroying me was your plan, congrats, you have succeeded.